Flannel shirts, skinny jeans and True Colors

You with the sad eyes

don't be discouraged

5 months is a long time to be away and a significant amount of time to be traveling through foreign lands without stopping for more than a few days. i have been back in my home country for almost a month and am feeling a bit more at ease with the world around me (and my place in it) than when i first arrived. i can walk through a grocery store, restaurant and public setting without a flurry of thoughts and images bombarding my senses. i no longer marvel at the size everything or the quick pace at which our society moves. even my meltdowns or shutdowns, as the case may be, have decreased to a less embarrassing number.

oh I realize

it's hard to take courage

now i trip instead of fall.

it is the so called "little things" that cause me to stop mid-run or stare too long out the window or put down my computer or take a deep breath. it is the push to buy buy buy because there are holiday sales. it is the fear that i am losing my language capabilities. it is the realization that snow is on the mountains because it is WINTER. it is the recognition that i can take a hot shower whenever i want. it is the expectation that a car is necessary in this town.

it is the question, "so you are getting back to real life huh?"

in a world full of people

you can lose sight of it all

and the darkness still inside you

can make you feel so small

missing the act of traveling was expected. the longing to experience new cultures and meet new people continues unabated. the missed connections, phone calls and decrease in email has resulted in the painful realization that the distance, both physical and existential, may deter and possibly derail new found relationships and has led to sleepless nights and the inability to express myself in any language.

but i see your true colors

shining through

i see your true colors

and thats why i love you

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colors

true colors

are beautiful like a rainbow

there are those who are patient, those who understand or try to anyway. those who see something is different and help me to understand or just be with the difference. there are those who want to hear about my experiences or who want to share their own or who don't want anything at all. there are those who work really hard to connect, sending messages so we can schedule a time to catch up as our lives or timezones don't quite seem to match up. there are strangers who smile as you go by, children who laugh at the wind and puppies that bark at your foot. each instance reminds me of the beauty of the moment.

show me a smile then

don't be unhappy

can't remember when i last saw you laughing

if this worlds makes you crazy

and you've taken all you can bear

you call me up because you know i'll be there

i never thought much about the importance of pop culture in our society; a week ago i realized the 5 month gap can cause a ripple of pop culture-related shocks. all of a sudden the fashion world raided my 10th grade closet and the soundtrack of my adolescence was being sung by a group of tweens awaiting their frappaccinos at Starbucks. it appears the ongoing effect of media on how we identify ourselves, and thus how we relate and live our lives means i missed 5 months of talked about tweets, tv shows, songs, movies, food, material goods, personalities and other topics that caught the attention of my friends and family. my much needed and desired media blackout has some negative effects after all. can i get a pop cultural guidance counselor please?

but i see your true colors

shining through

i see your true colors

and thats why i love you

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colors

true colors

are beautiful like a rainbow.

Photo of the day...Suchitoto, El Salvador

A small colonial city in central El Salvador, Suchitoto was the little surprise you hope for as a traveler. in all honesty, El Salvador was the greatest surprise of my trip. i wanted to like it, i wanted to prove all those people wrong who told me to avoid it because of danger and history and poverty. what i saw, what i experienced was something very different and i didn't have to work to like it. the country and the people welcomed me and i would have had to work really hard to dislike it, and even then i don't think that would have been possible.

In Suchitoto i found a hostel that overlooked Lake Suchitoto and was run by a friendly local family. ok so the hostel was small and the sleeping area cramped, but the location was great and the owners genuinely want travelers to get to know their city and their country. this sentiment, the hope that foreigners will come and get to know the country and culture beyond the negativity and violence which is presented in the media, was prevalent in almost everyone i met in El Salvador. in Suchitoto, people recommended local artists, a visit to the church, local food, a boat ride on the lake, and a hike to the waterfall.

Ah the waterfall, a natural geometric masterpiece. the basalt blocks are in fact hexagonal and during the rainy season (the time of my visit) water rushed and fell with astounding speed. my pictures do not capture the beauty or power; as was the case throughout my trip, somethings could never be captured by a camera and must be held in my memory alone. as a friend and i walked through the outskirts of the town to get here, we were welcomed and directed by locals proud to help us to see 'Los Tercios'. imagine my happiness at discovering that this waterfall was on the land of a local farmer who welcomed us to walk down to the falls and then walk beyond to a marvelous view of the valley and the lake.

the above photo is from one of the streets off of the main plaza near the hostel, you can see the lake in the distance. this street is typical for this town and there were many others that were nearly identical, they even had horses grazing!

changing of the leaves

the act of running brings me closer to myself than anything else i do throughout the day. it is in that time that i feel most alive and am able to observe the world as closely as i was able to experience it when i was traveling.

as the leaves twist and turn in the breeze, making their descent to the cool, damp grass i am finally able to feel that it is indeed autumn and that the natural world is shifting, preparing for the change to come. my understanding of time changed as i traveled through countries and cultures that measure, follow and play with "time" in ways i had never considered. upon return i struggle to comprehend that 5 months have passed, that i missed the summer and all the activities that come with it. i intellectually understand that time has passed, that i had missed out on aspects of people's lives, and yet it all feels the same. or at least strangely familiar.

i wonder if the sense of familiarity is false. is everything around me the same and i am what is unfamiliar? traveling through other countries it was obvious i did not belong and all things were new to me, i was the outsider; unfamiliarity (is that even a word?) was normal. here in my own country i have never felt i fit in but i was comfortable with that, because it was a part of my identity, an aspect of who i was and thus it was familiar. i know how to function in this western world, where to go to purchase a long sleeve shirt, how to find the nearest bank and how to interact with the barista at the coffee shop...but i have forgotten how to say things in English, my heart races as i walk into grocery store and i wonder how to respond in many conversations. i suppose it is not that i do not know things or at least how to do things so much as i second guess myself now. at times i wonder, am i doing or saying it this way because i used to, because it is the best way or because it is something i picked up the last few months?

it is easy here. ok yes of course life can have it´s challenges and horrible things happen, i am not saying that everything is perfect here. what i mean to say is, one could move through life without feeling that they are LIVING. rather one could go through life as if on a conveyor belt, on a continuous, monotonous loop. i am struggling here to find a coherent way to express this thought and the best i can do is say this: there are so many ways in the Western world to distract and distance oneself from people, events, emotions and thoughts; is that living?

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don´t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

it is with this in mind that i continue on a few more steps, gasping for cool air and the sight of a blue bird soaring among the trees.

a week in review (aka week one in the states)

1. a customs agent asked if i brought any number of items with me: fruits, veggies, seeds, insects...YES insects! haha, my reply? "oh you have got to be kidding me, i hope not!"

2. wow the changing colors of the leaves, who knew it was fall?!

3. 5+ hour flight without a movie? jeez, in the buses in Mexico i would have at least 2 movies and a couple of episodes of 3 1/2 Men in that amount of time!!

4. walking through the local Fred Meyer's i thought, do we really need so many choices of _____ (fill in the blank with the myriad of items that fill up such stores)?

5. in response to the person who said, "welcome back to civilization"...

well i am not sure how to respond to this as "thank you" would imply that i agree with the "civilization" assessment. i can guess what is meant by the comment, the western world = civilization. forgive my impudence but why is the western world held as the model of civilization? i ask because i wonder, is not knowing your neighbor a sign of civilization? is suing a teacher for disciplining a child in the classroom civilized? are we more civilized because we own cars, computers and cell phones all the while being one of the loneliest societies in the world? are we more civilized because cashiers can rely on a computer to tell them how much change to give me after paying $20 for an item that cost $3.58?

i know how much we have in our country and generally in the western world. i understand that stability and systems/infrastructure set us apart from many countries in the world. i know how lucky we are and how much we have, still i wonder about the view that we are models that others should aspire to. i understand that "civilization" is used to imply a particular sense of advancement, but in my opinion, it was used invidiously and the discriminatory 'we are better or more advanced than them' attitude was not well hidden below the surface.

surely i am more sensitive to this after my travels. admittedly my first week back in the states has been a difficult one. it seems the 'reverse culture shock' is far worse than the 'culture shock' i experienced throughout my trip. thus, statements like the one above have provoked silence rather than dialog; images, experiences, observations and opinions are piling up in my brain but i fear the release of one will cause all to come tumbling out in a torrent of confusion that will not help me to explain or others to understand.

still, this comment (or sentiment perhaps) needed addressing. i only wish the statement had stopped at "welcome back." this is such a lovely phrase, especially after traveling to so many places where i never knew anyone and never saw a familiar face. in the few instances where i saw friends it felt so good to be met at a bus station or hostel and hear the words "welcome!" clearly three simple words have evoked much emotion and thought, leaving me to conclude that i will hold on to the "welcome back" i have received during my travels and upon my return home because these are the important interactions i want to remember and hold onto. the other comments, well those i will let go.

it figures

in almost 5 months i crossed in, out and through 7 countries. during that time i took all manner of transportation all the while with a small day pack and a good-size backpacker pack. it got to a point where they just became a part of me and thus separation from them was kept at a minimum. i was sure at some point my pack would fall off the top of a bus, get taken from under my eye or topple into the water as it sat precariously on the edge of a lancha. never happened. my pack and i were never separated for very long...until i got on an airplane to go home. you have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. OF COURSE the most systemized, mechanized and structured of all the modes of transportation i have taken in the past 5 months would lose track of my bag. OF COURSE!!

as it happens it was only lost for a day and we were reunited this morning. welcome to the good 'ol US of A.

final days

Cancun. basically two days left and i will spend them in Cancun. i came a day early because some friends i met a few weeks or was it a month ago are here and it seemed like a good idea to come so we could hang out. i am sure it will be great fun and i am so glad to get some extra time with them. still, we are in Cancun. i think if there is any place on my trip that is going to make me want to get on a plane for the states, this is it.

my lonely planet guidebooks are no longer necessary. the bus rides are over. i am in my last hostel. soon enough i will be stepping on a plane, and then another, and still one more, in order to return home.

one more thing...

an addition to the list below...

i am looking forward to: being in a place where i am not being bitten by unknown insects that seem to know exactly where and when i applied the chemical filled repellant that generally works for about 20 minutes. at one point during the trip i was going to keep a list of all the bugs and types of bites but since i never met a bug-ologist (aka entomologist) i never got to know the names of any of them. so they remain...

the miniscule bug that leaves a welt on you 20 minutes later that doesn´t hurt or itch

the spider that bites at night and leaves little red marks on your skin

the misquito that makes your skin itch just by touching it

the misquito that leaves bites that last for over a month

the spidery-thing that bites you, leave a quarter-size welt that turns to a red dot that leaves you itching for days

the ankle biter- the unknown bug that bites only your ankles and legs

stupid scabies

bastard bed bugs

oh and these are just a few of the ones that are on land...there are more, and there are many more in the water! yep, fairly positive i will not miss any of them. one more reason to be grateful for living in a pollution-filled, over-sanitized, industrialized nation!

by the way, can people build a resistance to bug spray? also, i think companies would make a fortune if they could create an all in one bug repellant-sunblock-skin creme...undoubtedly it would be harmful and lead to some deformity or terminal illness but for the moment it would be worth it! of course i wouldn´t use it because i am against sunblock but it might actually be the way to get me to wear sunblock! haha. actually i am considering wearing sunblock the next few days while at the beach, the staff here at the hostel have started to call me, ´la morena´

things i am looking forward to...

we all do it, at some point the backpacker or traveler or whatever you call yourself (with the exception of `tourist`because that is never ever uttered by our group) begins the list of "oh it will be nice to ____ when i return home." i started doing it about 5 days ago. initially i stopped myself from this line of thinking as i felt i was getting ahead of myself and wanted to be certain i did not miss a moment of the trip. a few days later though it happened again, then again, and since that time it hasn´t really stopped. to be clear, the list is not long. i will share a few items below, along with a bit of an explanation. oh and before i start, there is no order to this list and i have not put on the list "it will be nice to see, talk to and spend time with friends and family" because i think that goes without saying :-)

1. have the ability to drink water from tap, any tap. having clean water that is accessable in your home is a luxury and while there have been stops along the way where i could indeed drink the water, these stops were few and far between.

2. wear other clothing. i have been wearing the same clothing (more or less) for 5 months and while it makes picking out my outfit for the day fairly easy, the state of my clothing and my enthusiasm to wear said clothing diminishes day by day.
*there are 3 exceptions to this however. i will continue to wear my newly purchased flip flips, my pink turtleneck sweater i purchased in Guanajuato because i was "cold" in the 79 degree evening weather, and the skinny jeans with crazy zippers and other such decorative nonsense i purchased for $4 in Guadalajara.
**i know the admission that i own and prefer to wear the last two items will result in streams of mockery and general teasing...go ahead, i would do it to you.

3. go for a run. as a "runner" (not sure why this is in quotes, for some reason i was compelled) 5 months of not running has not only rejuvenated my running spirit but also left me looking forward to the many runs i will be doing in the Oregon rain!

4. not have to constantly consider, "where can i put, hide, store, lock or pack my passport-camera-money-memory cards?"

5. along this same vein, being able to put something down in one room and leave it there knowing it will be there when i get back. unfortunately this may result in my leaving things everywhere just because i can.

6. listening to my music whenever and wherever i want. i once had an IPOD and then i gave it away. the reason is not important because while i listened to it often, i was not able to listen to it as much as i wanted as it was one of those items that just calls out "look at me! i am a foreigner with a shiny object that costs obscene amounts of money in your country, if it is even available in your country!" yeah i just didn´t want to put myself or the would be thief in that position.

7. use my laptop. ok so this is one of those things that i go back and forth about...i am looking forward to my own laptop, with my own programs and music and photos, and to a quick internet connection. on the otherhand i am not looking forward to being unundated with what the online culture deems as "news" as soon as i open my internet browser. yes i know i can change the settings, and indeed i will. but i also know that my love of unlimited information about almost anything that can be accessed within 60 seconds of being online is going to collide with my desire to defend myself from information overload and unwanted distraction.

8. eat sushi, thai, indian, italian and whatever other types of food my little heart desires. this is not to say that i do not enjoy Mexican or Nicaraguan or Honduran or Salvadoran or the food of every other country i have visited. on the contrary, i have enjoyed almost all of the food i have eaten and with the exception of the few days i was "over" rice, i will happily continue eating and probably missing the foods from these countries. it is only that i am looking forward to other types of food. we in the western world have access to a wide variety of foods (be it in markets, restaurants or our own homes) and i am looking forward to tasting them all again.

9. cooking, in a kitchen with spices and dishes and pots and pans and recipe books. granted, many hostels have shared kitchens with pots and pans but they are not always in the best condition or there are only a few. i am looking forward to cooking AND baking AND making some of my favorite things AND attempting to replicate some of my new favorite things!

10. not packing and repacking and repacking and repacking. granted i will not be returning to my own place. but i will be staying in one place for a while, and it will be someone´s home. so, not only can i unpack, i can also hang things up!

that´s all for now folks.

162

hours left in Mexico and left in my trip. yes, it has indeed come down to counting, appreciating and savoring every hour.

Merida, Merida, Merida

oh how i love this city and it´s people. especially those involved in Project Yucatan...i have had a wonderful time spending time with the youth (now young adults) who i met many years ago. it is so good to hear how they are doing, their thoughts for the future and their ideas from day to day. i have missed them and being able to spend hours with them has been one of the best parts of my trip! tomorrow i will go to the village to see more of the young adults and see the changes in the village as well.

it does feel as though my trip is winding down and i find my days are slower and my mindset has altered as well. it is a strange feeling and certainly is odd to be one of the travelers who is speaking of going home. i envy those who are just starting out on their journeys, just as those who are continuing envy my transition home. i do think it is good my final days are in familiar places and with friends, i think it affords me the ability to relax and embrace the time i have left.

ah, because my time is limited, and because the computers in the hostel are slow as molasses, i will not be putting up any other photos until i return home.
hasta luego!